▶ NOW SHIPPING // iOS + ANDROID
Critter Gram
Type it. A critter says it.
Fifteen animals who deliver your message badly, on purpose.
Write one line. Pick an animal. Critter Gram hands it back as a silly animal-voiced video — a sprite critter whose mouth flaps in time with the audio — ready for Messages, WhatsApp, or anywhere else you share things. Every voice is synthesized on your phone. No account, no analytics, and not one network call between typing the message and sharing the video.
▶ SPEC SHEET
WHAT IT DOES
A gram is something a critter brings you on somebody's behalf. There are always three people in one: you, the animal, and whoever is listening. The animal is the one in the middle, and it is not good at its job. Here is the whole machine.
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FEATURE
FIFTEEN PERSONALITIES
Personality is innate — each critter writes its own way. The chipmunk relays you verbatim. The turtle tells you a story from his day first. Same message, fifteen wildly different deliveries.
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FEATURE
IT NEVER ANSWERS YOU
The critter carries the message; it does not reply to it. Ask "fancy a coffee?" and the question arrives as a question. Left alone, a model would happily decline on your behalf. We stopped it.
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FEATURE
MADE ON YOUR PHONE
Offline speech synthesis, a tape-speed pitch trick per animal, mouth sprites driven by the audio's own loudness, and a hardware-encoded video. Nothing leaves the device to make it.
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FEATURE
SHARES LIKE A VIDEO
Out comes an ordinary video file through the ordinary share sheet. The recipient needs nothing installed, no account, and no explanation beyond the obvious one.
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FEATURE
OR A FEW HUNDRED BYTES
When both people have the app, skip the video: the gram travels as a scrap of text and the other phone rebuilds the voice and the animation locally. Friends pair by invite only.
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OPTIONAL
THE BIG BRAIN
A language model you can add later, which runs entirely on your device and writes the generative critters' material. Skip it and all but one critter still works — a built-in procedural engine covers for them; only the dodo waits for the model before it will write.
▶ PERSONNEL FILE
THE ROSTER
One-shot the whole staff. Kept every take.
Fifteen animals are on staff. Four are free to send with; the other eleven arrive with a single one-time unlock — no subscription. Receiving is never gated: a gram plays in full on any phone, every critter, paid or not. Six representative units follow.
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UNIT 11 // SNAIL
SAYS NOTHING
Speaks not one word. Hands over a written letter instead — and sent to a friend who has the app, it takes three real days to arrive. This is the intended behavior and we will not be moving it.
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UNIT 12 // GOLDFISH
STARTS OVER, REPEATEDLY
Forgets halfway and goes back to the top. Forgets again. Gets a little further each time, and does land it in the end, which is the remarkable part.
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UNIT 04 // DUCK
ONLY QUACKS
Just quacks, honestly and at length. The message rides alongside as a decodable quack transcript — paste it into the in-app translator to get your words back.
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UNIT 10 // JACK RABBIT
FOUR WORDS, TOTAL
Two sentences. Two words each. Four words, total, enforced by two very small boxes. Brevity is not a style here, it is a hard constraint.
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UNIT 09 // WHALE
ONE UNBROKEN SONG
Takes the plain delivery and stretches it into a single deep song with no gaps in it anywhere. Accurate. Extremely long.
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UNIT 15 // DODO
WORDS OF ONE SYLLABLE
Says all of it, but only in words of one beat. Nuance does not survive the trip. Neither, usually, does the name of whoever sent it.
▶ ON THE RECORD
YOUR DATA STAYS YOURS
There is no account to make and no profile to fill in. Grams are built on your phone and shared by you, to whoever you choose. Sending straight to a friend does pass through one small relay — which holds no names, never reads what it carries, and deletes each gram the moment your friend's phone confirms it arrived. The full, plainly-worded details live on the privacy page — the same one we submit to the App Store and Google Play.